i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
