The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I would fuck him just for his dog
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize