Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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