don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
