Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
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my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
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Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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