they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
