you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
