This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
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i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
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So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
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