Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
