Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize
