My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
