Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
