I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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