Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
