Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
