Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Randomize
