id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
