Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
