It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
