Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
