And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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