Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
