Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I was not drunk enough for that final.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
