I just pynch a tree in the face
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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