i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Randomize
