I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Randomize
