He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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