Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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