My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Princesses don't give blow jobs
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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