i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
