my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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