How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
We are two peas in an std pod
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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