why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
