haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
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