She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I'm too high and old for this...
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
