my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
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