Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
