I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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