Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
