Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
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