hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
