that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Randomize
