Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Randomize