Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
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some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
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We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.