I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.