watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
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as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
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You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...