so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.