He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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