Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
