What did we do last night that was yellow?
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
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She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
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it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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