This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
