someone threw a dead crab at me
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
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