Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
