Screwed.edu
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Randomize
