she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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