Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
