so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I have surprise drugs for everyone
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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