i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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