He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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