2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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