I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
