I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
